You’ve endured the turbulent 1960’s, the 1970’s Disco Era, and survived the men of those days. It’s made you wiser, less gullible. So I know I’ve got to get my facts straight because you aren’t as easy to fool as you once were. You may also disclose this article to a male. I can assure you that he will not be pleased that I am sharing this. I may be risking everything to bring this enlightening information to you. More about that later.
Why do men lie? To get you, to keep you and to get rid of you.
We all know what men want from women, right? Until Eve arrived, this was a man’s world. Then Eve came along with something pretty darned special. What Eve had to offer changed virtually everything! I’m not talking about a silly old apple, either.
Men want PLENTY from you and men want a lot of PLENTY. The guys who leered at you while Paul Anka crooned “Puppy Love” at school dances; who strived to make out with you in the balcony of the local movie house, to unsnap your bra in the back seat of their dad’s Oldsmobile. They still want you.
Men lie because it often works.
The Internet doesn’t do a good job of screening the cretins from the good guys. So the editor of this web site asked me to share the pure, unvarnished facts-of-life about information on “dating sites.” For starters, it’s crap.
As you know, members submit age, weight and height. Right off the bat, a man will lie about all three. This is painfully obvious the moment you meet him. Technology helps you begin a healthy relationship? That old computer jargon– “garbage in, garbage out?”
Other matters — money, current or previous relationships, children, golf scores, alcohol & drug consumption, year/make/model of the dude’s car, gambling and, sexual stuff — all require due diligence. Make no mistake, men who chase you on a dating site will lie to beat the band.
Why do men lie to attract women? First it works for their buddies. Secondly, truth over the Internet never actually works. I mean, when was the last time you accepted a date with a jobless 260 pound 65 year-old alcoholic who lives with his mother?
Men lie because more than anything, men hate to look stupid.
This fear of looking stupid is the centerpiece of most problems in male/female relationships. This is unfortunate because there are some fundamental things that ALL men are stupid about.
- We don’t see the same faults in other people that you see. Our best friend eats his food like a flock of vultures but we don’t see it because he’s our best friend.
- We do look at other women while you’re with us. Our behavior is primal, primitive and stupid but we don’t do it to hurt you.
- We can’t avoid scratching where we itch.
- We will forget stuff we should never forget. We will then make matters worse when, the next time, we’ll forget that we forgot.
We won’t think twice about taking a bullet for who and what we love.
Men lie because it’s hard to own up to being ignorant.
Men don’t like to admit that they don’t know. Let me illustrate. A lot of couples face money problems, especially in these uncertain times. Most men, including ones with MBA’s, are woefully equipped to manage money — but they won’t admit it. Look, some of the brightest minds in history are hard at work trying to improve our economy. Mostly, they seem to be shooting craps, if you ask me. No one knows the real cure or can assure us when things will get fixed. If these people can’t figure it out, how can we expect a typical man with limited knowledge to make the right decisions? What men need is a woman’s permission to freely admit ignorance without penalty, without being made to look stupid.
Men lie because it’s difficult to talk about some scary things.
My male friends and I are having a difficult time with aging. We don’t hang calendars on our fridges anymore. Most of us don’t wear watches. Time suddenly seems like an advancing enemy as we find ourselves attending funerals of friends and associates we thought we’d always see again. We’re starting to fight back, sort of. The brand names of pharmaceutical companies and plastic surgeons have started to appear on our income taxes, as a deductible expense. We simply can’t comprehend that six decades got by us so fast.
Perhaps the time has arrived for all of us, both sexes, to tell the truth about all things. My Down’s syndrome son turned 35 this year. He has an IQ of about 80, so telling the truth is always simple and easy for him. He’s honest to the core. I asked him for his definition of Truth. He says it’s somewhere between short and long so it depends on where you’re standing at the time you’re looking for it. He’s really smart about stuff like that.
Men lie because they learned it at an early age.
Here’s a controversial idea: a man develops deceitful skills in boyhood, in order to please his mommy. This raises the hackles of all decent women who have borne sons. I do want those of you who’ve done so to accept my theory as, well, sort of an off-handed compliment.
There is nothing in the entire world more protective than a mom. Standing armies, nuclear arsenals, hungry wolf packs, piranha fish and recently cloned T-Rex dinosaurs don’t stand a chance against moms. I know. I’ve got one just like you. Mine never weighed an ounce over 96 pounds but when it came to looking out for me and my, uh, less-deserving siblings, she’d willingly climb into the ring with any varmint and whip his you-know-what – period.
So, don’t be calling down the Supreme Court on me when I say that your sons learned at an early age that telling you what you want to hear makes his life a lot easier– it makes you happy. We all know that when momma’s not happy, no one’s happy. We also learned to fib. Classic, deeply rooted psychological behavior motivates us to say what we think women like to hear. Most men take the path of least resistance and avoid conflict by glossing over facts. Silly men – we always get caught. Sadly, we develop a habit of doing these things and, well, you know how hard it is to break a habit.
Men don’t exactly lie about some things – they’re just too smart to tell the truth.
We know that telling the truth under certain circumstances is both perilous and painful.
You ask questions like: “Does this dress make me look fat?” “Do you notice any new wrinkles under my eyes?” “Why don’t you enjoy spending the evening with my mother/sister/girlfriend/therapist/etc.?”
When confronted by these sorts of questions, the brain of a man slips into lowest gear. It’s as if he’s driving a 4-wheeler over a rocky outcropping at the mountain’s edge. We know danger when we see it. Many of us earned scout badges for completing courses about communicating with the opposite sex. I got my “AMWATQ” (Always Mumble When Asked These Questions) merit badge as a cub scout. It has served me well.
Men would benefit from taking a quick course called “Paying Compliments 101,” a rote learning process that pounds home Pavlov’s principal of Classical Conditioning. The formula is pretty simple: compliments = plenty. Most guys get this, although men who’ve been married a long time may need a refresher course.
ALWAYS REMEMBER: THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO PERMANENTLY CHANGE A MAN.
Have a daughter(granddaughters work nicely, too). The ancient rules of manhood quickly shift and he’ll start to think and act differently. He’ll improve, although he’ll never measure up to the standards set by your mother.
I am risking everything to bring this enlightening information to you.
I’m writing for women who once listened to music on AM radio, who are old enough to recall Jane Mansfield, the blond bombshell who once said, “Men are creatures with two legs and eight hands.”
This, of course, is why I considered writing this article under an assumed name, known in the writing profession, as a “nom-de-plume,” authors’ terminology that means, “I drank a lot of cheap wine while I wrote this and I don’t want anyone to know who I really am.”
More than that, for reasons I can’t fully explain, I have a deep, abiding need to remain alive. Men will hear I’ve betrayed them and hunt me like they once hunted elephants in old Tarzan movies. I only hope that they take me out with an elephant gun before mid-July of next year. That’s when my lease expires. No one wants to move during the summer in Dallas.
Remember how AM radio stations played the National Anthem when they signed off the air? Pretend you just heard the final stanza. C’mon, let me hear you sing it: “and the home of the brave!” I’m signing off for now. Believe you me, I’ve got PLENTY to do!
What do you think about Bob’s ideas in this article? Share your comments below.