May is National Masturbation Month.
How do I know?
My pal Senior Sex Expert Joan Price (www.Joanprice.com) is not only vigorously celebrating, but doing everything she can to spread the word.
“I’m on it!” I assured her when she told me. “Thanks.”
Because May is also Gifts From The Garden Month, the library where I work has put together a lavish display of gardening books. Naturally, I decided to augment this exhibit with a few masturbation titles. Does my library stock books about masturbation? Not as such. But we do have all three books in the “Fifty Shades of Grey” series, Anais‘s Nin‘s “Delta of Venus,” and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
Masturbation! Gardening! What else are we supposed to be doing in May? A little research revealed that there’s plenty to celebrate, observe or become aware of this month. To experience May to the fullest, I’ve decided to partake of as many as I can.
Some will be easy.
Get Caught Reading Month? I work in a public library — that’s practically my job description. And, as a Secular Jew. I‘m a walking celebration of Jewish American Heritage Month. Older Americans Month? At 62, I’m in. As for Better Sleep Month, if I celebrate National Masturbation Month right before I drop off to sleep, I’ve got that covered too.
With any luck, I’ll dream about Inventors, Drums and Mental Health.
For National Physical Fitness and Sports Month, I can ride my bicycle (it’s National Bike Month!) to the ball park. Which, if it‘s a week day, will require that I observe National Revise Your Work Schedule Month.
Between innings I’ll reread a few pages of “One Hundred Years of Solitude” for Latino Book Month. As I read I’ll sit up straight, for Correct Posture Month. And wear comfortable shoes, for Foot Health Month.
I’m bound to see a member of the military at the ball park. “Thanks for your service!” I‘ll say, then buy them a hot dog for National Military Appreciation Month.
Because May is Haitian Heritage Month, South Asian Heritage Month and Asian Pacific Heritage Month, during my next shift at the library, I‘ll take a moment to solemnly gaze at these places in our mammoth world atlas and think “Hurrah!”
Then I’ll toast them with a glass of water for National Drinking Water Month. (Which I will handle with care because it’s also National Water Safety Month.)
For International Victorious Woman Month, I’ll try to win the next argument I have with a loved one. (Perhaps we’ll argue about Tennis, Meditation or Motorcycle Safety.)
After which I’ll compliment a teen for Teen Self-Esteem Month.
If I’ve worked up an appetite with all this May-related activity, I’m in luck, because May is National Asparagus Month. It’s also National Egg Month, National Hamburger Month. National Salad Month. National Salsa Month. National Strawberry Month, National Vinegar Month, and National Sweet Vidalia Onions Month.
Put them all together, throw them on the grill, add a little hot sauce, and I’ll be celebrating National Barbecue May is National Masturbation Month.
Of course I’ll grab my camera and capture the moment for National Photo Month.
After which, it’s on to dessert. I can take my pick — May is both National Artisan Gelato Month and National Chocolate Custard Month.
The resulting mammoth stomach ache will probably land me in the doctor’s office, just in time for Women’s Health Care Month! While cooling my heels in the waiting room, I’ll grab pamphlets about Asthma, Arthritis, ALS, Celiac, Stroke, Cystic Fibrosis, Fibromyalgia, High Blood Pressure, Lyme Disease, Osteoporosis, Brain Tumors, Skin Cancer, Huntington’s Disease and Systemic Lupus.
Leaving the doctor’s office, will I vow to donate a little money to organizations dedicated to eradicating these things? Absolutely.
After which I’ll bring Alpo to a shelter for Food Drive for Homeless Animals Month.
Clearly, the month of May is going to be both fun and productive.
Even so, there are a few things I’ll skip.
Pet Cancer Month? On behalf on Captain, our Yorkie-poo, I’ll take a pass.
International Audit Month? Uh… no thanks.
But Ultra-violet Awareness Month? I’ll give it my best shot.
Best of all, for a humor writer? May is National Smile Month. With any luck, this essay has helped you celebrate.
This piece first appeared in The Broad Street Review.